This summer I've been praying that I would be desperate in my dependence on God in this coming year, and that I would also trust Him for impossible things.
He's taken me up on that request (a bit earlier than I expected) and I'll admit that it's been much more difficult than I imagined to really allow myself to enter fully into that desperation. I've always been the kind of person who's been able to be the glue that holds other people together, relying on my own strength to stay calm and steady. Throughout the course of this summer, I've watched situation pile upon situation; driving me beyond the limits of my own emotional and mental strength and to a more complete reliance on God. It's almost impressive how thickheaded I've been throughout the whole process. Just yesterday as I was sitting in the ER at my mom's bedside, amidst the tangle of IV's and ceaseless cacophony of beeping monitors and sounds of hurting people (she's fine now, don't worry) I found myself telling God that I would be fine dealing with raising the rest of my financial support if it weren't for all of these extraneous circumstances (and there are many of them!). "Bingo. Do you get it yet?" is what I heard in response from the Lord. "Are you ready to admit that you can't do it all on your own?"
It's amazing how hard it can be to say that yes, I am ready. I am ready to relinquish control. I am ready to be desperate.